5/14/09
Associated Press

Chicago- This upcoming Friday evening promises to be an entertainment spectacle like none other, never before seen on the 2700 Block of N. Bosworth Avenue. A group supposed friends turned bitter rivals are about to go to battle in a Beirut tournament that will serve as the true kickoff event for what some insiders have donned “The Summer of Sowa”. In a recently leaked email conversation Mike Sowa, who made his name in the rough and tumble basements of Champaign, was quoted as saying “Sowa is about to go on a run the likes of which have never been seen before. I don’t see myself losing in beirut this entire summer.” This unnecessary cockiness and blatant disregard for sportsmanship has gotten the rest of the group fired up for what will undoubtedly be the true start to the summer Beirut season. Rival Steve Lannefeld was heard yelling “Hey Sowa, Fuck You…Bring it, Jimmy Hjalmarsson, America” while locked on his girlfriend’s balcony.

Preliminary pairings for Friday nights main event go as follows:

Michael Sowa and Gregory Haberer
The aforementioned Sowa has kicked his longtime partner Kevin Niwa to the proverbial curb, for reasons unbeknownst to most of us, but sources close to Sowa have heard him mutter “Laura has really changed you, man” in regards to Kevin’s lack of focus at the table. Gregory comes into the tournament, as a fresh face on the circuit with notably longer hair these days, and hopes to kick-start the summer with a tournament victory. This pairing might be a force to be reckoned with, but if things start to turn sour, it is strongly encouraged to keep TV remotes and railing posts as far away from the table as humanly possibly.

Kevin Niwa and Michael Schneider
The resilient Kevin Niwa has bounced back from his ugly break up with Sowa, and insists he hasn’t changed, and if he has it is for the better. “It’s nice to have someone on the couch next to the table cheering for ya, you know”. While still wearing the same shirt, although it is a different day, Niwa teams up with relative newcomer Michael Schneider. Schneider, under constant scrutiny for potentially being homosexual and the overbearing notion that god hates him, will look to surprise some people and make a long run in the tourney.

Sean Logue and Bill Redpath
This pairing of long time partners poses an interesting threat to the rest of the tournament entrants. Although the two have never won any Major Championships, they have been known to pull out some big wins, by using their, now heralded, method of playing at their own pace. Sean Logue will most definitely be seen in his signature “tight” jeans, while most hope Bill can set his Blackberry down long enough to play the game. Last week Sean was heard telling Redpath “It’s okay, Kristen doesn’t need to know what you are thinking every second of the day”. Although not favorites to win this pair could make some noise come Friday night.


Michael Klear and Steve Lannefeld
This pair is the morning line favorite to take the tournament, especially after a stellar performance last weekend from Lannefeld, who was most recognizable due to the “rape years” Kobe jersey, sideways hat, and oversized watch he was rocking. Michael Klear may be making his last public appearance before his cold feet set in and the added weigh on his left hand and the leash around his neck will for sure put an end to a once promising career. This vocal duo will try to get in the heads of their opponents and will do whatever it takes to make it the “Summer of Steve”.

Notably absent from the tournament this weekend are Matt VanderVoort and John Solymossy, who may be looking for a new job if the Northwest Herald gets a hold of this literary masterpiece.

NEXT WEEK’S ARTICLE: Civil War in Logue’s Backyard, Let’s Make It a Reality